Monday, January 21, 2013


                                  You're not alone!

Lately, I have realized that  it is not always the thing on the outside that crushes the heart but a heart can faint, fail, misfire because of what is going on inside. As a singled mother of many years to 3 sons, now grown, I focused the majority of life on my sons. Keeping them involved in those things that would bring healthy growth and filling what could have otherwise been idle minds and hands.
Out of that kind of concentrated living as one who embraced motherhood responsibilities I knew I was the utmost important person in their lives. My life was full and I found self-worth and value in being their mother.

As my sons grew up and into careers, wives and homes of their own my motivation for anything began to drain. Being their mother had been the driving force in my life. Instead of maintaining a daily lectio divina with the Holy Spirit guiding me through this difficult time  I no longer had my motivating drive. Every good thing I did, I did for them and because of them. They were my supreme motivating factor. Otherwise I was slain by life. My ardent prayer was that God help me to be the kind of mother He would have me be.

In looking back I realize some of the times I got sidetracked. Always by my own human frailty. Yes, I smile, there were mistakes and after a few years of sorrow at seeing them I realize these were also part of the whole picture that God in His great mercy and compassion blessed us through in spite of. I tried unsuccessfully remarriage rather than concentrating on healing. I was too desperate. Still, He allows me to see the great good that was accomplished because of His love in me and His light in our lives. The reality of my imperfectness does not blot out what by His power alone was accomplished  in our poverty of not only finances but of earthly care from a family unit.

The three of us, however crippled by lack, were rich in love. Our great love for each other and God's great love for us. A love that loved us back.

My life as a mother and a good wife for 20 years, and then a single mom with an infant and toddler and adolescent son who are all grown and married by now has thus far been the pinnacle of accomplishment in my life. Motherhood has been my greatest achievement and highest earthly honor.

To become the lone person left in that nest has now become the great challenge of my well being. And the thing that was the source of my greatest strength has become the source of my greatest weakness. My Achilles heel

Even my heart began to fail me and I have wondered if this experience would be the end of my life on this earth so deep has the tear been to my psyche.
I have done, tried, all the goal setting, the positive life filling things I found to try but have only had periods of time I managed to stay afloat and then would go down for the count for longer and longer periods each time.

Each time the onset of the holidays brought deeper sinking. Holidays are as you know big family time, and with the standard of wonderful years of  Thanksgivings and Christmas shared I went under for the count again. This last season proved my lowest point, and now January, when all the tears had been cried and all the pain had been experienced,  I grasp for the one thing that would save me. I returned to the one thing that always saw me through. A love that loves us back.

My new motivating factor has now become to preserve my life and to not allow my heart to fail. To be the person God can be in me. For Him first. And by Him only. He has become the lifter of my head when there was no other. The friend who sticks closer than a brother.

In a One Month To Love blog I began to search for direction to grab hold of my only savior. I went back to week one to begin at the beginning and oh what an Electio Divina! The Holy Spirit used those simple living words to speak and give me much needed guidance. Here is the guidance I received!

“Cease striving and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.“ Psalm 46:10 (NASB)

My Electio Divina from the Holy Spirit to me, 'Doesn't that lead to strife inwardly and outwardly leaving you miserable and sick in heart? '


I humbly admit...confess, that after so many years in the exalted role of mother it was that importance, that exaltation, that feeling of love and worth and importance  that I fearfully held in a grip against the monsters in the mind desiring to take it from me!  Am I making sense at this point?
The bible tells us to, Humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God and HE will exalt you in due time.  This speaks to me , Quit STRIVING to be exalted in your family with your friends and your work. STRIVING is a word full of negative meaning. Strife is what is brought about through striving and I am thankful to be guided by the word of God and the Holy Spirit through Lectio Divina that I received .

If you are interested in beginning your own ancient method of meditation to receive Holy Spirit guidance through that means here is a free website to help you know how to do that.

WOW! CEASE STRIVING--Know that I AM GOD! Another scripture that comes to mind--
"Humble yourself under the mighty hand of God and I will exalt you in due time."  Humilty isn't an 'act', humility is an action.

This may all seem quite over the top for many but I assure you for the one who goes through the situation as with a lot of trials it is quite devastating. God has brought me through to this moment and I am strong in Him alone. I am thankful that God is faithful. And yes I have and have had many, many things to be grateful for, through all these 30 something years.


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