Yesterday at the end of a yoga class after stretching and relaxing we were instructed to simply relax and to quietly go to our happy place wherever that was. As I began to search in my heart for my happy place, I saw you, big as life! My little boy. There, out in the area where we always went to launch your homemade rockets. It was a chilly day, and I saw you. Precious, about 8 years old. You were such an amazing child. Full of the brightness of life, and happy. Your dad and I were there and together we all watched as the homemade rocket took flight. You were a beautiful boy. The total outdoor, trying everything, and excelling type. You had the wind in your hair and sunshine in your soul. You never gave up when learning some new activity. You always mastered it. You were the only one I actually saw. You my dear were my happy place.
There we were, the three of us enjoying you as you enjoyed the rocket and being with your mom and dad. Already he was leaving us. We just didn't understand the signs. I knew how wrong things were, the not coming home from work till late into the night and drunk, always drunk. But, you were a little boy. and you hadn't noticed yet. Our lives were on terrible jagged rocks. If I could, I would go back to that time and grab you up and whisk you away. You would not have had to endure the years ahead when he totally and irreparably turned his back on you. It doesn't matter anymore what he did where I'm concerned. Just what he did to you. And your brothers to come. How can a man let something control him until he destroys the people he should love and protect and nurture.Instead giving in to outrageous anger in his drunken state, became a monster not a man. Only a woman stood between. And she stood!
He hurt you terribly, emotionally and mentally. He was your first heart break He left you before he was even gone.
Now you have left this earth full of pain and sorrow. A grown man with sons of your own. I can't speak openly of those things I saw that utterly destroyed you.
God help all the little boys that are abandoned by their daddies,who grow up to be grown men with that echoing hurt of abandonment. The broken promises, the lies, the not showing up. I am certain they carry such great shame and false guilt that they did something wrong that made them unworthy of a father's love. Even though they were innocent and amazing children that any man in his right mind would have clung to and loved rightly, and cherished.
You have been gone 3 years 2 months.(2 years and 3 months after your wife left this earth) Your sons, truly amazing sons, are 18 and 19 years old. (born 16 months apart)
I was a careful mother to you and your brothers, to never speak ill of your dad to you. I knew you got your identity from the same sex parent. The awful thing is that you had to see as you became young teen, and came to understand and to be ashamed of your own father. You loved him yet hated him for what he was doing. He kept crushing you.
God help the children. So many experience this. It is a shameful thing when fathers leave their children to the wolves.
When I saw you in my happy place so beautiful. Innocent. Loving. At first I didnt want to look at you because it hurt so, and then I realized what a precious thing to see, to remember that little boy.
If only I could have looked in your huge blue eyes and said, 'You are enough. Daddies make terrible mistakes sometimes,and terrible choices that cause them to lose control of their behavior.
Enticed by a high, an alcohol addiction, a drug addiction, a sexual addiction, even illicit affairs become something that they love more, to their great shame. And to their children's great hurt, and harm to their psyche.
I believe you are in that place where there is no more sorrow. You are with a Father who always loves, and has your best interest at heart. You are home. I will see you again. This wandering gypsy soul has yet another reason to look forward to going home.
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